Monday, May 24, 2010

I wonder...


I wonder?

When you’ve gone off track, and you’ve been in a soul search for more time than supposed, you contemplate on a copious department of your life trying to see how the former clockwork has gone haywire in such a short period of time.

It’s baffling to understand how at some level, despite the invincibility you’ve once acquired through holding your career, schedule, relationships, and your commitments with a firm hand, you crumble at the slightest sign of self-doubt.

In principle, I believe that I would never document a predicament I don’t have a solution in the end but in this case, I’ve been struck with such impossible, or maybe perhaps the most difficult, helpless demeanor.

Society dictates who we are to society. The little things we pick up from the other are the little things that make us become our personalities, including the choices we make. The inevitable becomes the victor of our lives and that needn’t even be said.

Yesterday marked my fourth month of unemployment since I embarked in a 360-degree turn in careers. I’m sure, there are other 24-year-olds out there who are jobless like myself. The delusional success of those at the top of their employment lives subliminally mock our very own exaggerated financial laxity.

“Stop looking for Truth, settle for a good fantasy.” – just won’t do with me. I knew that if I stopped being smart I’d be a fool and frightfully become a commoner branded to dwell in such commercialized mediocrity.

Self-righteousness, Pomposity, Pride, Egocentricity, Ambition, Perseverance --- my hexafecta of existence I can never seem to let go. I say insecurity fuels my addiction to understanding. I sulk in a corner to understand truth. And like antibiotics, those who dare antagonize such are just as insecure as I am, the more reason for me to admire humility and sophistication.

However, the blurry line remains between driven ambition and foolish fuckery. The lack of direction presents a challenge and a risk for those of us who are in a point in our lives where we want to wait and see what we’re made for. Sadly, reality and time will sooner or later come to burst that optimistic bubble because in this dimension, nobody does get younger.

My only consolation to ageing is truly the wisdom that I gain from my mistakes or from others.

I don’t know where I’m going. But I’m not lost. I am a molecule in Brownian motion as I bump into others. I am in a point where I let the magic 8-ball make my decisions for me, and let the beating satisfy my needs --- that and in sexual self-gratification. *wink

As I continue to search for inspiration, I am reminded of the inspiration of others and the lesson they present. For example, when all other aspects of your life fail, you can always turn to the ones you truly love, and the ones that truly love you back.

Fuck it, I feel like I don’t have both.

So I wonder, where do I go?

Because fuck it, the beating can only do so much.

Until I find my answers will I only then continue to chronicle such fuckery. In the mean time if you have answers, let’s hear it out.

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